29 August 2005

"The Best" LSD

This might have happened in the year 2000.

The main shopping streets to your right as you come out of Centraal Station are one of the areas the lowest-rung pushers and rip-off artists hang out in, especially in the evenings when the shops are all closed and shutterred. There is one particular guy, a short and stocky Guyanese, who has been around for the last couple of years and seems to be one of the big men among the two-bit scammers.

I guess it goes without saying, every guidebook says it, and now I'll say it: DO NOT try to buy drugs out on the streets in Amsterdam. I wanted to buy a batch of LSD, which as far as I know is not available in any stores, so like a bloody idiot I found myself stumbling tired and vulnerable at four in the morning, looking to buy 10 hits of acid from the street toughs.

As soon as one of them sees a taker, a chump, they all start converging. They speak English, Dutch, and Guyanese, and will switch to whichever you don't understand. Before I know it I have about 6 Guyanese street folk pressing me from all sides, with this mean looking ringleader doing a sweet, well-rehearsed hustle on me every step of the way.

RIPOFF I There aren't 10 hits, there are 8.

RIPOFF II "It's the best, man, it's the best," I am continually assured throughout the transaction. He also offerred me "the best" cocaine, "the best" MDA, and "the best" Extasy. It was, it later turned out, the weakest, shittiest acid I have ever had in my life. In fact, it seemed to have about the same effect as eating a small bit of non-LSD-coated paper.

RIPOFF III This is the real honest-to-God "I fucked you" part of the ripoff. As I have my wallet out, and count out 80 Guilder for him, he makes a nice quick grab and helps himself to one hundred more.

Like a pack of wild dogs they run off after their alpha male. In the blink of an eye they are gone, all screaming at one another, tearing at the big man for one of my bills. I suppose he gave the 10's out to eight of his lieutenants, and kept the 100 to himself.

And I'm standing there like the most moronic chump ever to walk the earth...

Citizens of the Internet! Hear me today, and learn from my extreme idiocy! Let me repeat: DO NOT try to buy drugs on the streets of Amsterdam.

This stale text was produced long ago, originally posted on k5.


Post a Comment

<< Home