20 August 2006

Looting Tips

You've already missed out on Baghdad and Basra, but by planning and preparing now you can be first in line in Damascus or Pyongyang.

Practical advice here - loot like a professional!

1. Organize your gang well ahead of time

Once the regime falls, it's too late. The biggest and toughest bullies will already be on someone else's team. Be discreet about it, but do line up your looting party beforehand. ("Achmed, I know we're part of the party militia right now, but if something, well, you know, happens... will you loot with me?")

2. Timing is Everything

Timing isn't just a concern for businessmen, for looters it's crucial too. A few hours can mean the difference between a bullet through your head, all the modern electronics you can carry, or just smoldering archives in a stripped-out shell. You have to hit your targets just after the old guard has thrown in the towel, but just before everyone else has caught wind of the change.

Pay attention to the sounds of artillery. If your city is already being shelled, make regular patrols during the late night and early morning hours - as soon as you see there is no sentry in front of the target structure, gather your team and strike.

If you arrive late, it is considered poor form to rob other looters. Play fair, it's your own fault if you are late to the party!

3. Select and prioritise your targets

Presidential compounds and the homes of ruling party members are the best pickings, but may be guarded to the bitter end. Come well armed. For the early bird there will likely be modern electronic entertainment gear, quality alcohol and foodstuffs, with European furnishings and housefittings available for the more determined.

If you need to get off to a "running start", you might instead begin with a military base, but here contacts are important. Trucks, communications gear, and weapons will be your main priority when looting these installations, in order to loot more effectively elsewhere.

Government offices are third choice, with a lot of used office furniture and low-end computer equipment.

The worst pickings are to be had at hospitals and schools. The nagging emotional reminders will only slow your hoarding down. However, wheelchairs do make decent wheelbarrows.

4. Bring the right tools for the right job

In the early stages of the chaos, you can't have enough guns and ammo. On days 2 and 3, the enterprising looter should have a good selection of wrenches and screwdrivers in standard sizes, a sturdy crowbar, and an exacto knife. These tools will facilitate the stripping of carpets, built-in wall units and other fixtures.

5. Your only limitation is your carrying capacity

How much stuff can you transport? A pickup or SUV will suffice for high-end items on day one, but on later days a heavy truck or horse-drawn transport will serve to transport carpeting, refrigerators, air conditioning units and the like.

6. Business first, pleasure later

Day one of year zero, what to do, what to do?

Remember - the party official who killed your family member will still be walking around tomorrow, and you'll still have a gun. The statues and posters of the beloved leader might get ripped down, but you can always buy the video and see it on TV later. The beloved leader's TV and stereo will not be available to loot tomorrow. Make hay while the sun shines.

Originally posted to k5, Thu Apr 10, 2003

Two Newbee Teacher Seating Patterns

The Circle Jerk

Can be initiated by giving the instruction "I want you all to turn to work with the person to your left"

The Clusterfuck

Takes more advance preparation to create. Each Ss puts a marker (eg, their name tag) in a hat. Then everyone picks one randomly. Now each person works with the partner whose marker they are holding. In rare situations this set up can lead to a Circle Jerk.